4 Qualities of a True Friend

Who is a true friend?

Who is your true friend? There are people who usually say that true friends are old friends or classmates from school and hometown who meet only occasionally. It’s really comfortable and nice to meet. However, if those friends are not friends who relieve the present loneliness, they cannot be called true friends.

A true friend is a friend who gets rid of my loneliness. A person’s loneliness is interestingly independent of the number of acquaintances. Even people who go to see many acquaintances every day can be lonely if they don’t have real friends. Conversely, people don’t meet often, but if they have true friends, they’re not lonely.

Even if you don’t have all other acquaintances, if you think you won’t be lonely if you have that friend, then that friend is your ‘true friend’.

Why you shouldn’t feel lonely 1 – Health

Loneliness is very harmful to humans no matter how nicely it is packaged. Being lonely is bad for your health.

According to Steve Cole, a professor at the University of California, the experience of social exclusion is not only one of the most stressful for humans, but may also play a role in disrupting the immune system. Children who have been bullied at school are 7 times more likely to be depressed, 4 times more likely to commit suicide, and are significantly more likely to suffer from chronic physical pain than those who are not. (『Complete』 254~256p. : ‘If you are lonely, you lose your health’)

In other words, loneliness not only takes a psychological toll, but also a physical one.

Reason why you should not feel lonely 2 – Intellectual decline

Loneliness negatively affects your brain as well as your health. Roy Baumeister’s team gave college students a fake personality test and told one group that people would like you and the other group that you would likely be rejected by others. And then I did an IQ test. As a result of the test, college students who predicted loneliness in the future had lower IQ scores overall. Also, brain scans taken during a similar test found that the lonely group had atrophied areas of the brain that were activated when exercising self-control.

Rush University followed older adults to observe trends in their memory and cognitive abilities throughout their lives. They also measured the extent of Alzheimer’s disease damage to their brains after they died. As a result of the study, the elderly who lived relatively isolated lives, that is, the elderly who lived with loneliness and friendship, usually had weak memory and cognitive abilities, and their brain conditions were also poor. On the other hand, older adults with rich social networks maintained relatively good brain status.

In addition, in a study of adolescents, it was found that children who felt lonely had lower grades and test scores, and it was found that just feeling lonely temporarily can significantly lower the score on the graduate school entrance exam.

What about at work? A study conducted by the Wharton School of Business in 2011 found that employees who felt lonely performed less well on individual tasks, effective communication, and contribution to the group. If you can’t fuse with your colleagues, it will negatively affect your individual work performance, let alone synergy.

Taken together, it can be seen that loneliness reduces a person’s ability to perform intellectual tasks. It lowers self-control, lowers intelligence quotient, and lowers grades and test scores in teenagers and college students. Not only that, but it also lowers the work ability of office workers.

In short, being lonely makes you stupid.

So, which friend is a true friend? If the four conditions are met, the friend can be called a true friend.

Condition of a true friend 1 – familiarity

The first condition is familiarity. The more often we see something, the more we like it. This is called the ‘simple exposure effect’. It’s because when Park Jin-young made her debut, she appeared mostly as a good-looking person except for comedians. Park Jin-young’s face and his unconventional outfits were enough to confuse me. But now I see Park Jin-young in a good way. After watching him often on TV for a long time, he got used to it, and when the charm he possessed was added, he has now become a likable celebrity. (『Complete』 257p.)

Do you sometimes feel that celebrities are like your friends? Yes.. because I’m used to it. You should see it often.

Condition of True Friends 2 – Physical Proximity

Second is physical proximity. That means you have to be close. A study of police training academies found a strong correlation between friendship and proximity of seat placement. It is very important to be close than to see often. This is because the possibility of having a conversation increases and the probability of doing something together is high. (『Complete』 257p.)

After I got married, I moved from Seoul to Incheon. Certainly, the number of meetings with my close friends in Seoul has decreased significantly. I can’t help it. The closer you are, the more friendly you can be.

Condition of a true friend 3 – similarity

The third condition is similarity. If you have the same hometown, school, hobbies, favorite programs, political parties you support, and favorite celebrities, the chances of friendship are very high. According to a study, as a result of analyzing friends who have been friends for 20 years, one of the biggest variables predicting long-term friendship is the similarity level. (『Complete』 258p.)

Despite being illegal and reprehensible, the reason why there are cases of arguing about school ties and regionalism is that people are attracted to people similar to themselves. When you find similarities, you become close.

Condition 4 of a true friend – sharing secrets (most important)

But a real, genuine friend needs one most powerful element that goes beyond familiarity, physical proximity, and similarity. It is to know each other’s ‘secret’. It is true that a person with whom you can share your personal past or unspeakable worries can be called a true friend, and even if that friend is only one, ‘loneliness’ can disappear. (『Complete』 258p.)

You cannot be a true friend unless you are willing to share your secrets with each other. A friend who can express my heart without hesitation… Yes.. that very friend is a true friend.

The 4 conditions of a true friend help you know who is your true friend, but it is good to know the 4 conditions when you want to be a true friend with someone. If all four of them are met for a certain period of time, you can make new true friends.